In search for passion..

Passion seems to be the far gone past!!

How I used to feel before..working was fun..doesn’t feel the same way anymore..feel lost and disoriented..find myself missing something constantly..want to go back to the slums..teach kids..my kids..do creative stuff..do everything that I used to...teach, play, cook, clean, sleepover, watch movies, share hugs and unconditional love..feel the same passion again..I am trying to recall how I moved on..how I have become much more calculated and mechanical over time..I realize some things in me have changed for good but there are something other things that never should have..like the fire that was at its peak in me..the craziness, the drive...

Maybe I was way too emotional back then and a little less into that now, which might be good in a way..because that is what so many people told me..that I need to be practical, I need to move on..I guess I have but I feel I have left a big part of me behind..just to ponder upon the past every single day and wonder why I feel so lost..find myself constantly searching for something bigger..a quest to live and a quest for life...

Every time I feel disappointed about the way my life has turned, I tell myself that I take better care of myself now..pamper myself..go to places..spend on a good cup of coffee at a nice place..buy something nice..but I guess, this is just feeding me externally..this is not something that serves my soul well..I realize this doesn’t make me feel happy..want to go back to my craziness..wonder around..find that one place..find the right kind of people...but I am scared to go on a free spree..risk my security..my comfort zone..risk not living up to all the expectations that I am surrounded by..and to be honest, my own expectations..but how far is my comfort zone going to take me??? This comfort zone that doesn’t seem meaningful enough..need to let myself free for a while..have to walk that extra mile..maybe what I am doing right now is not so bad after all..probably just need an extra spice to find that balance in life..maybe I can start off trying to seek that first before I decide to get let go off everything..keeping to my safe side, but still willing to explore a bit more to find something meaningful..something that touches my heart like before..maybe this way, I can rediscover the lost, actually the hibernating passion in me...